a healthy doubt

^"38 He said to them, "Why are you troubled, and why do doubts rise in your minds?" - Luke 28

the possibility of living here on earth and upon reaching death, finding nothing. that perhaps i lead a life no different than that of an animal, to be born, live, and die. nothing more. to know nothing of life on earth after my passing. the prospect of living a life for a purpose that leads me to the same end as every other being on the planet. it is doubt. and it scares the hell out of me.

the exact opposite of Muses' "Thoughts Of A Dying Atheist," i guess.

it makes me search a million times harder for my creator, for any fingerprint of his on this life to prove that im not crazy, that im not chasing after the wind. it makes me re-examine my spiritual experiences to determine what i truly believe.
it is a healthy doubt, i suppose.

mediocrity

"You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect." - Matthew 5:48

haha. me, perfect? i wish. i despise being mediocre. at anything, really. it is my biggest pet peeve, and yet i find myself stuck in it.

to have such potential and yet let it go to waste.
to be so close, yet so, so far.
to be seen, but not remembered.
liked, but not loved.
good, but not great.
alive, but not awake.
passing through life like some sort of semi-solid, translucent, ghost. almost tangible, yet still a shadow, still just a memory of a memory.

but maybe that's what i'm supposed to be. perhaps that's where god wants me, and if so, i hope i can learn to accept that.
god, i feel very alone tonight. show me my worth, be my companion, and fill this empty heart.

holiday/holy day

God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman

From God our Heavenly Father
A blessed Angel came;
And unto certain Shepherds
Brought tidings of the same:
How that in Bethlehem was born
The Son of God by Name.
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy

"Fear not then," said the Angel,
"Let nothing you affright,
This day is born a Saviour
Of a pure Virgin bright,
To free all those who trust in Him
From Satan's power and might."
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy

The shepherds at those tidings
Rejoiced much in mind,
And left their flocks a-feeding
In tempest, storm and wind:
And went to Bethlehem straightway
The Son of God to find.
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy

...

Now to the Lord sing praises,
All you within this place,
And with true love and brotherhood
Each other now embrace;
This holy tide of Christmas
All other doth deface.
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy

it's christmastime! and beautiful music time.
i love that the shepherds completely abandon their flocks, jeopardizing their professions in hopes of seeing little baby Jesus. just to see him! i wish i had that kind of zeal, that drive to give up everything i have at the moment to see a glimpse of christ in my life.

dear 8 pound, 6 ounce, newborn infant jesus...lying there in your little manager...watching your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learning 'bout shapes and colors...
i keep having these moments where i feel like i should or could do something awesome and i just sit there pondering how cool it would be and everything but.....then i do nothing. put my heart in motion.
thank you for your sacrifice for all God's children. thank you for family, both spiritual and physical. and thank you for humor.

how then shall i live?

^"12So it is with you. Since you are eager to have spiritual gifts, try to excel in gifts that build up the church." - 1 Corinthians 14

^"29for God's gifts and his call are irrevocable." - Romans 11


i love having a good conversation with a good friend.
thank you for chad.
thank you for all you have given.

to be honest i am still sketch on the idea of total unity in heaven. the complete loss of identity, distinction, and relationship scare me, i can't wrap my head around it. because on earth those things are huge. perhaps i don't fully understand the joy in submitting entirely to you. i always think that i know and understand more than i actually know

reveal your will to me, lord. show me how to utilize my blessings, show me the man i am to become. i know you've got this great big plan you're cooking up, and while i am a minuscule part of it i want to do everything i can

broken

⁷ My back is filled with searing pain;
there is no health in my body. - Psalm 38


my body is a mess...it's always something.
i hate it. but at the same time i realize it could always be a lot worse.

god, this break hasn't been anything i expected thus far. its not relaxing at all, in fact i'm more stressed than when i was back in barbara. i need some serious help right now big guy. sorry to have been so distracted from you these past weeks.

home, home.

back in almaden.
everything is the same here.
not a lot to do.
that's okay.
spending time with family.
thinking about who i'm becoming.
things i've done, said.
i can move to new places,
i can make new friends,
i can call these new things home,
but i can not change my past.
take me as i am, god.
i don't like who i've been.
help me become more.

i still miss you every day

and that probably isn't going to change.

The Beginning

^"1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

² Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

³ And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. ⁴ God saw that the light was good, and He separated the light from the darkness." - Genesis 1

everyone knows this passage, christian or no, but it deserves to be known. it's the most epic thing ever! and fun fact: "let there be light" is our school motto. anyways, the verses obviously show god's unlimited power. if he wants some light in the freakin universe, he gets it. so why do i have trouble trusting his power to bring light to a puny thing such as my life, my existence and experience on this puny planet? i think it's awesome that god not only created light, but saw that it was good, and separate from darkness. however, it doesn't then follow that darkness is bad, rather that it is just the emptiness of good. it is empty, void of anything. i don't know where i'm going with this anymore to be honest, just speculating.

time for more sleep, and more finals.

if i am to be a light to the world, i need help opening my closed eyes to the light you give to me.

don't-shave december

i am back home in sb, and working on loving people here.
god, flood my mind. surge into me and flow through me. let me bless the way you have blessed me

midterms, check. broken bones, check. go-gurts, check.

" ¹⁴Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. ¹⁶Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited." - Romans 12

sometimes i am so self-righteous. i have so much and yet sometimes i have so little gratitude. sometimes i pass judgment, sometimes i pass blindly by those in need. i sometimes despise those who persecute me, returning curse for curse.
and yet sometimes i see god in me through my acts, or in others through theirs, and i am content.

keep us in harmony with each other, lord.
in harmony with each other, and in harmony with your will.
i pray today for strength to persevere through testing, for healing of a broken body, and for repentance of a heavy heart.

A Psalm Of David, and Of Josh.

i'm scared for this weekend to be honest. we are playing oregon state and st. mary's, two very good rugby sides. i just trust god will take care of my teammates and i. during the match, i get lost in my responsibilities and the exhaustion, just like i did in football, but this is what i want to be focused on:

Psalm 144

1 Praise be to the LORD, my rock,
who trains my hands for war,
my fingers for battle.

² He is my loving God and my fortress,
my stronghold and my deliverer,
my shield, in whom I take refuge,
who subdues peoples under me.

³ O LORD, what is man that you care for him,
the son of man that you think of him?

⁴ Man is like a breath;
his days are like a fleeting shadow.

⁵ Part your heavens, O LORD, and come down;
touch the mountains, so that they smoke.

⁶ Send forth lightning and scatter the enemies;
shoot your arrows and rout them.

...

⁹ I will sing a new song to you, O God;
on the ten-stringed lyre I will make music to you,

¹⁰ to the One who gives victory to kings,
who delivers his servant David [and his servant Josh] from the deadly sword.

...

¹⁵ Blessed are the people of whom this is true;
blessed are the people whose God is the LORD.

we have trained, lord. we are ready to play. give protection, give courage.

deadlifts = break-your-back lifts

im in some serious pain today. i cant even put my shoes on, walking is aggravating, focusing on anything is extremely difficult. i have so much to do and not enough time or strength. i just want to curl up in my bed and watch movies all day. ever since i arrived here i have been busy, busy, busy. all my friends have time to lounge and hang out and are so free to do all these activites but my schedule is killing me. i can't do what i want to do. i am worn the frick out. i want a break, but i know i'm not getting one anytime soon. i don't care that i'm being whiny and self-centered and making a huge deal of everything, i think i deserve to do that for once. this is my breakdown.
and yet...

i open my bible for one split second and stare face to face with rebuke.

¹ "Man born of woman
is of few days and full of trouble.

² He springs up like a flower and withers away;
like a fleeting shadow, he does not endure.

...

²² He feels but the pain of his own body
and mourns only for himself."

- Job 14

i don't even want to pray this right now, but god, help me overlook my pain today and try to love on others

¹ Listen to my prayer, O God,
do not ignore my plea;

² hear me and answer me.
My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught

...

⁶ I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest-

⁷ I would flee far away
and stay in the desert;
Selah

⁸ I would hurry to my place of shelter,
far from the tempest and storm." - Psalm 55

i wish i had wings. i need to get away to some place i can think. my thoughts are too convoluted and misdirected here. that's what i miss most about home-- the lazy, boring afternoons of lying around by myself; privacy, solitude, time to rest and reflect. i just need time to think, god.

to those who fought the battles i will never have to fight:

happy veteran's day, and thank you for your bravery.


^"9For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding." - Colossians 1

i am beginning to realize how blessed i am to have constant prayer support. i don't usually give it much thought, but i can't begin to imagine what my life would look like without their aid. i am also coming to realize how little time i spend in contact with my creator, so it is incredible to know that others are petitioning and praying on my behalf even when i slip up. thank you, thank you, thank you to anyone who has been this support to me, it is encouraging and i promise to try and be just as active in prayer for others.

a redirection of exertion is in order

"¹¹We hear that some among you are idle. They are not busy; they are busybodies." - 2 Thessalonians 3:11


i feel very busy lately, but in all honesty i don't know how much of it is worthwhile. i'm so tired of wasting time going through meaningess, excess motions. gossip is meaningless, laziness is wasteful, bitterness is trite. let me be fruitful always, in all aspects of my living.
i really mean this, lord.
ready, set, go.

rest is for the weary, not the lazy

^"1 I am the man who has seen affliction
by the rod of his wrath.

² He has driven me away and made me walk
in darkness rather than light;

³ indeed, he has turned his hand against me
again and again, all day long.

⁴ He has made my skin and my flesh grow old
and has broken my bones." - Lamentations 3

my life is good, but i sometimes i feel just like this. this weekend i was physically, mentally, and emotionally tested and broken. not to be dramatic, but i am completely drained. it took some serious courage to get through. but i am grateful to god, and i wouldnt have it any other way.

you rock, big guy. keep it coming

just like grendel, just like beowulf

"Thus he must wait/ for the Day of Judgment, smeared with his sins,/ to learn his doom from the God of Glory."

this quote from beowulf describes the fate of the nastiest, vilest, most wretched beast to ever have stalked the earth under the veil of midnight sky. grendel. the slaughterer of danes and marauder of the dark. it also describes my fate surprisingly well though. when judgment day comes, im right there with grendel, covered in my sin and awaiting the judgment of the supreme ruler.



"Now has a warrior/ performed that deed through the power of the Lord,/ which until this time none of us could contrive/ how to do it ourselves."

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.” - Ephesians 2: 8-9

this verse was the discussion at mondays bible study and is still on my mind. i have no control over my own fate, not matter what i do or how good i am. and just like beowulf, i am powerless in and of myself, but have infinite power through he who strengthens me.

a new fellowship

tonight was my first night with the bible study for dudes at my dorm. it was good getting to know the guys, definitely not what i expected, but good nonetheless. we went to the apartment where some of the older guys live and had a bible sesh there, which was new to me cause every churchy thing i've ever done has been at a church. it was cool meeting in a house. i felt like that's how the early disciples used to do fellowship together, just right there in the homes of people they met, not in a giant church setting. it's more personal that way.

math midterm was meh today.
gossip girl was meh tonight.
dlg late night was meh tonight.
it has been a meh day. that's okay though.
your will be done, lord, on earth as it is in heaven

closer than a brother

Proverbs 18

9One who is slack in his work
is a brother to one who destroys.

13He who answers before listening--
that is his folly and his shame.

24A man of many companions may come to
ruin,
but there is a friend who sticks closer
than a brother.



good stuff.
first proverb= laziness is not conducive to the kingdom of heaven. i need to be active

second proverb= idle chatter is not of any use. i need to listen more effectively before speaking

third proverb= many of my friendships are closer than my relationship with my brother. this really makes me think about how brotherhood was back then vs. how it is now. alternatively, some people say this "friend" is a reference to christ. am i as close with christ as i am with my brother? am i as close with christ as i am with my other friends?

decimate, restore, and sustain me today lord

author-ity

^{part uno
"18}Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me." - Matthew 28:18

basic stuff, yet i have a hard time submitting


part dos
" ¹³Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every authority instituted among men: whether to the king, as the supreme authority, ¹⁴or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right." - 1 Peter 2:13

okay...but what if hes freaking crazy like hitler? or if in submitting to these men i compromise who i am or what i believe? im cool with government most of the time, but this sounds extreme. it reminds me of the 'isola' theme at hume a few years back. it was a viking derivation of the 'daniel in the furnace' story where 4 strapping young men come under foreign rule in a new land, isola, and are faced with customs and laws contrary to theirs. the daniel character says: "in every way except those which are essential, we must become isola." they go along with some of the ways of isola, but when the essentials are compromised, they hold fast.


part tres
" 8In the very same way, these dreamers pollute their own bodies, reject authority and slander celestial beings.
....
11Woe to them! They have taken the way of Cain; they have rushed for profit into Balaam's error; they have been destroyed in Korah's rebellion.

12These men are blemishes at your love feasts, eating with you without the slightest qualm—shepherds who feed only themselves. They are clouds without rain, blown along by the wind; autumn trees, without fruit and uprooted—twice dead. 13They are wild waves of the sea, foaming up their shame; wandering stars, for whom blackest darkness has been reserved forever." - Jude 1

verse 8 sounds strikingly similar to modern society. verses 11-13 are terrifying. i dont know about you, but im not really into having "blackest darkness" reserved for me. the whole ethereal light thing sounds kinda cool.

lord, help me understand this whole authority deal in my heart, not just my head. god > government, god > me.

patience

“Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.” - Psalm 27:14


i am so tired. please restore me

i cant explain how frequently i am amazed by the way our bodies work, the ways we interact with the world around us, and the world around us in and of itself. god is such a crazy inventor, his designs are intricate yet flawless. anyways, heres some art from the holy book:

" ¹² Who can discern his errors?
Forgive my hidden faults.

¹³ Keep your servant also from willful sins;
may they not rule over me.
Then will I be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.

¹⁴ May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer." - Psalm 19

may my thoughts, my words, my actions be pleasing to you, holy creator.
oh redeemer, wash me clean in the soap of your love.

drizzly, dreary tuesday

i have about a half hour before my psych class starts and all of us that got here early are huddled in the lecture hall lobby trying to stay dry. what better time to do my soap?!

"I will send you rain in its season, and the ground will yield its crops and the trees of the field their fruit." - Leviticus 26: 4

god is faithful to the earth and its creatures. he gives the earth water, he gives it light, he gives it gravity to stay in fragile orbit. he provides sustenance for the beasts of nature, he provides shelter, he provides companions. those who love him are completely satisfied.

thank you for your grace, god. i am undeserving of this good that you pour upon me. how sweet your love is!

tanya is risen, she is risen indeed!

jesus brought my lappytop back to life :)
everything about this day is flippin perfect, god. i appreciate it mucho

Psalm 62

For the director of music. For Jeduthun. A psalm of David.

¹ My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.

² He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

³ How long will you assault a man?
Would all of you throw him down—
this leaning wall, this tottering fence?

⁴ They fully intend to topple him
from his lofty place;
they take delight in lies.
With their mouths they bless,
but in their hearts they curse.
Selah

⁵ Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.

⁶ He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

⁷ My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

⁸ Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
Selah

⁹ Lowborn men are but a breath,
the highborn are but a lie;
if weighed on a balance, they are nothing;
together they are only a breath.

¹⁰ Do not trust in extortion
or take pride in stolen goods;
though your riches increase,
do not set your heart on them.

¹¹ One thing God has spoken,
two things have I heard:
that you, O God, are strong,

¹² and that you, O Lord, are loving.
Surely you will reward each person
according to what he has done.

just stop and reread that.
how gorgeous is this? i dont know what to say.
david as a "tottering fence," that all men are "nothing" if weighed on a balance, that our strong god is also a loving god-- this psalm is definitely tickling my fancy.


oh, my god, my rock,
hear me beg for forgiveness at my very lowest
undignified as i am, i return to you once more
oh, my god, my loving god,
you have given rest to the weary soul
you are ever faithful, ever loyal, ever fair
oh, my lord of lords, my hope,
you are strong!
you use your strength to love me
you are the crux of this puny existence, this short breath that is my life.
you are the crux.
you are.

blogging on a blackberry...i feel way too techy right now...

downside of doing soap on a computer = the computer crashes from time to time.
I miss you tanya :( don't worry, you will be all patched up soon enough and ready to guide me across the magical interwebs once more.

but the limitations of having no computer do cause me to resort to talking directly with god more and that's always a plus.

continue to reveal yourself to me in new ways, remind me of how little I know you and how restricted my perspective of you is

the good life

“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.” - Matthew 5:11+12

im so lucky to be able to live my life as i choose and be free of discrimination or persecution. my life is so easy. thank you god. but if it is true that i am blessed through insult and such attacks upon my spirit, than please bring on the haters. im not afraid.

without

“The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned.” - 1 Corinthians 2:14


it seems paradoxical. god wants to love on those without his spirit, but without his spirit they cant feel the love. not a good sitch.

god, help me reveal a small bit of your spirit to others so their hearts and minds and eyes would be opened to all that you are doing

so sore...

pain is growth, sacrifice is gain, suffering is maturing. i welcome failure for it teaches me how to succeed. i welcome weariness for it means i am keeping my body and mind active. i welcome rebuking for it keeps my humble.

i love you, god. hurt me more so i will be stronger

post #100

i see you in the undeniable beauty of your creation. i see you in the joy of your children. i see you in the inexplicable 'coincidences' that i know to be miraculous acts of love. by your hand am i fed, clothed, strengthened. you give life to the full, i am forever thankful. yet i am forgetful. why do i get so caught up in my day-to-day and the people i know and the things i desire? when i am being selfish, arrogant, proud, or just plain stupid, remind me of your love. i look past it so often

youre a good god, keep doing what you do best

well...

no scripture tonight, but i apologize, god.
i repent, please heal the broken heart

illuminated.

well this is my second night at my new home. its lovely here.

the concept of home is weird. it is our 'normal' and our comfort. but when we move, home moves. even home, which is the most constant and rooted thing in our life will change and shift as we move through life. i will make my home in the unchanging, in the one constant. in god.

god, be my home. then shall the whole world be familiar, comfortable. i will never feel out of place, and always have my safe hiding place. tonight, give me protection, i ask for courage. your will above all.

so long, childhood.

"⁸ Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.” - Deuteronomy 31


tomorrow i set out from home. from comfort. from life as i know it. this is the verse scott shared when he was leaving for college a year ago. man, it seems like way, way longer than one year ago. so many things have changed. where and who will i be in another year? anyways, i digress.

be with me, lord. i move, but you shall be my home, my comfort, my life. everywhere i go, i am home for i am with you. you are constance, you are sustenance, you are present. god, i dont tell you this enough, but i love you. help me to spend more time with you! you are the greatest and i forget that so often

ol' stickybeard

Psalm 133

¹ How good and pleasant it is
when brothers live together in unity!

² It is like precious oil poured on the head,
running down on the beard,
running down on Aaron's beard,
down upon the collar of his robes.

³ It is as if the dew of Hermon
were falling on Mount Zion.
For there the LORD bestows his blessing,
even life forevermore.

interesting. humorous. but also beautiful.
i need to sleep. but these conversations im currently in are good lord, and what you intended for me tonight. i will look for you in them, i will pursue unity and peace between brothers

thank you for these random people in my life god, and that my expectations and generalizations of them are smashed when you present them as what they truly are: your beloved children

doing my own laundry: liberating, yet inconvenient

" ¹Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children ²and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." - Ephesians 5


kids who grow up feeling loved by their parents look up to them. they want to be just like their dad or their mom when they grow up. therefore, as a child of god, i should desire nothing less. i am a god-child, i should strive to be just as loving, as giving, as pure, as wise, as present, as free, as strong, as forgiving, as godly as my god-father. and all this to his honor, his glory, his name.

you rock, pop. help me glorify you by rocking, too.

i struggle with forward motion

we all struggle with forward motion.
dada dana dada dana doo doo

"¹³Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. ¹⁴But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth." - James 3

lets be honest, who isnt guilty of harboring selfish ambition? this is my crutch. its so hard to desire and act upon what god wants and not what we want.
anywho, here's a nifty flowchart. i haven't made one of these since grade school!
seeking wisdom -> realizing perspective and purpose -> assuming lifestyle of active humility

god, help me to seek the wisdom of the heavens, not treasures of the earth. and help prepare me mentally (out of the lazy summer mindset) and physically (packing, sleeping schedule, etc.) for college.

and after the rest, oration came.

^"13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ¹⁴And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." - Colossians 3


this was the message in sundays sermon. forgive, forget, unite, all through love.
funny thing. on saturday night i asked for rest, knowing restoration would follow. i got the rest. just enough to wake up exactly on time for church the next morning, which i usually miss. and the sermon was on restoration.
god, you make me smile! when i recognize you in my life and realize how perfectly you have everything in control, its a great feeling. unexplainable, really.

and the sermon was awesome. nothing revolutionary, but something i definitely needed to hear.
i understand the urgent need to make right with those we have problems with, and ive been working on it. ill keep working.

thanks for this day, lord. and for yesterday. and please give me a tomorrow. i love you, broski

all that's left to do

⁶ Oh, that I had wings like a dove;
then I would fly away and rest!
⁷ I would fly far away
to the quiet of the wilderness.
- Psalm 55


my thoughts exactly, brother david.
god is a boss.
and god made david a boss.
i dont know what im getting at though. my mind is literally too worn out to think straight.
i am dead tired. rejuvenate me lord of lords. rest is the first part of restoration

"Rejoice in the Lord always.

I will say it again: Rejoice!" - Philippians 4:4


your love is vast. everytime i think i start to understand it, you blow my mind. like EGADS. whether it be through a look at the wondrous creation of your hands, interaction with one of your awesome children, or a more private moment between the holy spirit and i, my eyes are being opened to you. you have so so so much love and you are giving so much of it to me! thank you for that, god. it sheds light on your goodness and its giving me sight to trust you when i dont feel the love.


REJOICE!!!!

and now for something a little more mature

Isaiah 46

" 1 Bel bows down, Nebo stoops low;
their idols are borne by beasts of burden.
The images that are carried about are burdensome,
a burden for the weary.

2 They stoop and bow down together;
unable to rescue the burden,
they themselves go off into captivity.

3 "Listen to me, O house of Jacob,
all you who remain of the house of Israel,
you whom I have upheld since you were conceived,
and have carried since your birth.

4 Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

5 "To whom will you compare me or count me equal?
To whom will you liken me that we may be compared?

6 Some pour out gold from their bags
and weigh out silver on the scales;
they hire a goldsmith to make it into a god,
and they bow down and worship it.

7 They lift it to their shoulders and carry it;
they set it up in its place, and there it stands.
From that spot it cannot move.
Though one cries out to it, it does not answer;
it cannot save him from his troubles.

8 "Remember this, fix it in mind,
take it to heart, you rebels.

9 Remember the former things, those of long ago;
I am God, and there is no other;
I am God, and there is none like me.

10 I make known the end from the beginning,
from ancient times, what is still to come.
I say: My purpose will stand,
and I will do all that I please.

11 From the east I summon a bird of prey;
from a far-off land, a man to fulfill my purpose.
What I have said, that will I bring about;
what I have planned, that will I do.

12 Listen to me, you stubborn-hearted,
you who are far from righteousness.

13 I am bringing my righteousness near,
it is not far away;
and my salvation will not be delayed.
I will grant salvation to Zion,
my splendor to Israel."


god is a bamf. god is...i dont know how to say it, no adjectives are enough for him. god is...god. he just is. god is. and yeah, thats enough for me.

tonight i miss you lord, i want more again. keep me drawn to you

bust a fat rhyme

jesus was a baller
a real shot-caller
he is uber cool
dont you know, fool?
he gave us second life
hes sharp like a knife
christ is sweet like honey
hes so rad its not even funny
i read my bible in the sunny
so i can learn to be
like jesus- golly gee
hes so good to me
he gives love fo freee
jesus is so tight
he is full of might
and showed us all god's light
he's da bomb! am i right?
son of man, born of god
in sin he did not trod
he was a perfect dude
never mean or rude
never rash or crude
he had a great 'tude
with girls he wasnt nude
no, that would be lewd
a super fresh guy
but he chose to die
for my sin- but why?
and then he rose- oh my!
im not gonna lie
jesus is a beast
thats to say the least
on his b-day we feast
my car is not leased
i want to be a priest
so i can read all day
of what jesus did say
from june until may
hey hey hey hey
jesus is the way
to heaven so pray
cause god is totes amaze
give that dude some praise
yeah, praise for daysssssss
this rap is ridic
so im gonna click
the post button now
and try to sleep somehow.


JESUS IS A STRAIGHT UP G. WORD. AMEN BROTHAS AND SISTAHS.

¡una mas!

" 34 Israel failed to destroy the nations in the land,
as the Lord had commanded them.
35 Instead, they mingled among the pagans
and adopted their evil customs.
36 They worshiped their idols,
which led to their downfall." - Psalm 106


give me the heart of a lion. then when i find myself in the den of lions i will not falter, i will not fear, i will not stumble. i will stick to my morals; i will stay close to the narrow path.
though i mingle with many, none will alter the heart you have given me.

sp kids!

" 9 Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. 10 Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other." - Romans 12


easier said than done, huh god? but ive been trying and im getting there, big guy. how do you do it? so effortlessly. teach me

we are lions!

"3 Do not waste your strength on women,
on those who ruin kings." - Proverbs 31


after watching troy, this verse makes sense.

on a more serious note, i do feel like i expend way, way, wayyyyyy too much effort upon girls. i think i now understand why paul says "it is good to not marry." im realizing that more time belongs spent between god and myself rather than spent chasing women or dating or whatev. girls are awesome, god, dont get me wrong. im glad you made them. really, they are super cool. butttt i think its good to take some time away. to the hermit-cave!

jesus, you da bomb!

exhaust

i pray tonight for courage and i pray tonight for rest,
i pray tonight for patience and give thanks, for i am blest.
i pray tonight for what may come, i pray for friends and kin,
i pray tonight for every soul astray and lost in sin.
i praise tonight for beauty as i pray tonight to you,
i praise for life eternal and your son whom it comes through.
i pray tonight for wisdom, love, humility in me,
i praise the great creator-- thank you god for your decree.
amen

Psalm 95

1 Come, let us sing for joy to the LORD;
let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation.

2 Let us come before him with thanksgiving
and extol him with music and song.

3 For the LORD is the great God,
the great King above all gods.

4 In his hand are the depths of the earth,
and the mountain peaks belong to him.

5 The sea is his, for he made it,
and his hands formed the dry land.

6 Come, let us bow down in worship,
let us kneel before the LORD our Maker;

7 for he is our God
and we are the people of his pasture,
the flock under his care.
Today, if you hear his voice,

8 do not harden your hearts as you did at Meribah,
as you did that day at Massah in the desert,

9 where your fathers tested and tried me,
though they had seen what I did.

10 For forty years I was angry with that generation;
I said, "They are a people whose hearts go astray,
and they have not known my ways."

11 So I declared on oath in my anger,
"They shall never enter my rest."


the fist half- beautiful, i feel moved to worship.
the second half- powerful, i am fearful of my god.

lord, have mercy when my heart goes astray. do not forsake me! i will bow toward the earth you have created and praise your name. i love you

The Love of Literature

"Through him all things came to be, not one thing had its being but through him. All that came to be had life in him and that life was the light of men, a light that shines in the dark, a light that darkness could not overpower." - John 1:3-5

"Do not I fill heaven and earth?" declares the LORD. - Jeremiah 23:24

We could say much more and still fall short; to put it concisely, "He is all." - Sirach (Ecclesiasticus) 43:27


god is in all things. so he must be in the books that i love to read, regardless of whether they are canonical or secular. because he is in all things.
reading can become a form of communication between me and god. not necessary in a doctrinal sort of way, but nonetheless he is in the literature.


ive been reading King Lear lately. here are some of my favorite lines thus far:

If for I want that glib and oily art
To speak and purpose not - since what I well intend,
I'll do't before I speak
-cordelia

Love's not love
When it is mingled with regards that stand
Aloof from th'entire point.
-france

Have more than thou showest,
Speak less than thou knowest,
Lend less than thou owest,
Ride more than thou goest,
Learn more than thou trowest,
Set less than thou throwest,
Leave thy drink and thy whore
And keep in-a-door,
And thou shalt have more
Than two tens to a score.
-fool

She that's a maid now, and laughs at my departure,
Shall not be a maid long, unless things be cut shorter.
-fool

Poor Turlygod, poor Tom,
That's something yet: Edgar I nothing am.
-edgar

Our basest beggars
Are in the poorest thing superfluous;
Allow not nature more than nature needs,
Man's life is cheap as beast's.
-lear

O sir, to wilful men
The injuries that they themselves procure
Must be their schoolmasters.
-regan

When priests are more in word than matter,
When brewers mar their malt with water,
When nobles are their tailors' tutors,
No heretics burned but wenches' suitors;
When every case in law is right
No squire in debt, nor no poor knight;
When slanders do not live in tongues,
Nor cut-purses come not to throngs,
When usurers tell their gold i' the field,
And bawds and whores do churches build,
Then shall the realm of Albion
Come to great confusion:
Then comes the time, who lives to see't,
That going shall be used with feet.
This prophecy Merlin shall make, for I live before his time.
-fool

But where the greater malady is fixed,
The lesser is scarce felt...
...When the mind's free,
The body's delicate: this tempest in my mind
Doth from my senses take all feeling else,
Save what beats there...
-lear

Take physic, pomp;
Expose thyself to feel what wretches feel,
That thou mayst shake the superflux to them,
And show the heavens more just.
-lear

Keep thy foot out of brothels, thy hand out of plackets, thy pen from lenders' books, and defy the foul fiend.
-edgar

Is man no more than this? Consider him well. Thou ow'st the worm no silk, the beast no hide, the sheep no wool, the cat no perfume. Ha? Here's three on's us are sophisticated; thou art the thing itself.
-lear

The prince of darkness is a gentleman.
-edgar

i lost my dog, phone, and productivity

<sup>today was kind of a meh day.
anyways,

"39</sup>And this is the will of him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all that he has given me, but raise them up at the last day. ⁴⁰For my Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day." - John 6


gods will is that no soul would be lost, that all would be saved. it sounds very efficient. but that doesnt happen, not everyone believes. so i guess we just have to try our best and trust in him

god, i dont feel like im doing my best for your kingdom right now. i want to be operating at top efficiency, to be the best vessel for your will that i can. tonight i need patience, rest, and motivation

some sense of urgency

" ⁶ And now, dear brothers and sisters, we give you this command in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ: Stay away from all believers who live idle lives and don’t follow the tradition they received from us. ⁷ For you know that you ought to imitate us. We were not idle when we were with you." - 2 Thessalonians 3


how can you claim to know the love of a savior and live a normal life? most 'christians' look like boring everyday folk. i dont like that, our lives are supposed to be different. do SOMETHING.

father, send your kingdom here. in this moment, may your glory be known

more than contented, more than pleased

"¹⁶⁵ Great peace have they who love your law,
and nothing can make them stumble." - Psalm 119


i often overlook the great gift of gods law. it becomes just one more thing i own to myself and take for granted.
i hate the feeling of entitlement. it is the most disgusting thing in the whole world. lord, you bless and you take blessings away. 'my' money or 'my' time are not actually mine. god has given everyone so much. i dont deserve anything except a fiery eternity of pain in hell.

knowing that, everything in life becomes a privilege, a bonus, a gift. my body, my abilities, my possessions, my relationships are all gifts. everything i see, hear, taste, touch, smell is a gift. every second becomes meaningful. joy becomes the only natural response to all these gifts. praise is in order to a god that gifts so freely. worries waste away, sorrows seem silly. the things that really dont matter slide past. nothing can make me stumble

thank you for your law, god. how amazing it is to live here on a broken earth, let alone the life promised in a perfect heaven

deep fried oreos

¹⁰ "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom,
and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.

¹¹ For through me your days will be many,
and years will be added to your life." - Proverbs 9

ready, set, live.

also,
sunburn cure: aloe vera, nap, aloe vera, hot tub, aloe vera

a letter i wont be sending

^"23 If you forgive anyone’s sins, they are forgiven. If you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.” - John 20
simple and powerful. the ability to dismiss that which is broken and overlook the suckiness

to jade milburn:
you are forgiven. we may never speak again, but not a day goes by that i dont think about you. i do love you, and now i fully understand that i always will. you can change the world.

go get 'em wildcat

Captain's Log, Stardate 42198.7.

sometimes you just feel like it. it may be compromising or hypocritical, but hey,
you only live once, and tomorrow may never come. you are not entitled to anything

" ¹³ Look here, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year. We will do business there and make a profit.” ¹⁴ How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone." - James 4

thank you for staying by my side and for making a path ahead of me. you are faithful and loyal beyond my comprehension

p.s. thank you for that cart guy, vijay, at safeway, his joy and kindness made my day

entangled

18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” - Genesis 2


and then god gave man a support that suited him. im not trying to focus on the creation of woman to serve man, im looking at the fact that god saw adam alone and gave him community. 'it is not good for man to be alone.' this goes for any human being alive. we need interaction, we need to be entangled with people, we need each other to survive-much more than we think. this alone shows the weight of our interdependence: as punishment, criminals are banished, exiled, put into solitary confinement. being alone is painful. we are meant for community and interaction, humans are meant to be a big, messy, intertwined ball of string

hello god. help me continue to be there for people who need me. help me spot those who are alone. help me to be a helper

hefty, hefty, hefty

1 John 5

Faith in the Son of God

"¹Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ is born of God, and everyone who loves the father loves his child as well. ²This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. ³This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, ⁴for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. ⁵Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.

⁶This is the one who came by water and blood—Jesus Christ. He did not come by water only, but by water and blood. And it is the Spirit who testifies, because the Spirit is the truth. ⁷For there are three that testify: ⁸the Spirit, the water and the blood; and the three are in agreement. ⁹We accept man's testimony, but God's testimony is greater because it is the testimony of God, which he has given about his Son. ¹⁰Anyone who believes in the Son of God has this testimony in his heart. Anyone who does not believe God has made him out to be a liar, because he has not believed the testimony God has given about his Son. ¹¹And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. ¹²He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life.

Concluding Remarks

¹³I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life. ¹⁴This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. ¹⁵And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.

¹⁶If anyone sees his brother commit a sin that does not lead to death, he should pray and God will give him life. I refer to those whose sin does not lead to death. There is a sin that leads to death. I am not saying that he should pray about that. ¹⁷All wrongdoing is sin, and there is sin that does not lead to death.

¹⁸We know that anyone born of God does not continue to sin; the one who was born of God keeps him safe, and the evil one cannot harm him. ¹⁹We know that we are children of God, and that the whole world is under the control of the evil one. ²⁰We know also that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true. And we are in him who is true—even in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life.

²¹Dear children, keep yourselves from idols."

v1-5: straightforward. this is christianity: showing love to god by following his commands and showing love to others. yet so many people who call themselves christians dont 'overcome the world,' because they dont actually show love to christ

v6-12: confusing at first. spirit = holy spirit; regenerating dead hearts to life, water = baptism; purification and sanctification, blood = jesus' sacrifice; ransom and redemption. together they give testimony to our eternal life. having the son = having life eternal, so my question after reading this portion: do i have the son?

v13-15: simple. god loves us and will supply if our prayers are in alignment with his will. we must want his will for our lives

v16-17: tricky. my understanding growing up was that 'all sin is equal in the eyes of god,' and that 'all sin leads to death.' my guess is that these verses instruct not to pray for forgiveness of the sins of others, but to pray for others to realize their sins, and for them to repent to god.

v18-21: challenging. this is the rise to arms. god has given us wisdom and the holy spirit so that we may understand. we understand that he is god, that we have eternal life through jesus, that we are dead to sin. BUT we keep living in our sinful ways, since we are human. this is the challenge to live in the strength of christ, to put our understanding and our beliefs to practice. practice, practice, practice.

i am brave,

i am strong, i am not worried.

^"12 Be strong and let us fight bravely for our people and the cities of our God. The LORD will do what is good in his sight." - 2 Samuel 10


word.

yucky, icky eye.

<sup>im in a gross mood cause of my eye and some stuff ive heard today, so here's what i think is the grossest story from the bible. so theres this girl Oholibah, and shes a ho. for sho. like prostitute status. and her sister Oholah was also a ho for sho, and she got killed and punished for being crazy sexnasty. so you think Oholibah would stop being such a skank, but no.

14</sup> "But she carried her prostitution still further. She saw men portrayed on a wall, figures of Chaldeans portrayed in red, ¹⁵ with belts around their waists and flowing turbans on their heads; all of them looked like Babylonian chariot officers, natives of Chaldea. ¹⁶ As soon as she saw them, she lusted after them and sent messengers to them in Chaldea. ¹⁷ Then the Babylonians came to her, to the bed of love, and in their lust they defiled her. After she had been defiled by them, she turned away from them in disgust. ¹⁸ When she carried on her prostitution openly and exposed her nakedness, I turned away from her in disgust, just as I had turned away from her sister. ¹⁹ Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. ²⁰ There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. ²¹ So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled." - Ezekiel 23

disgustingly vivid.
so about oholibah. its funny, ho is in her name, and her sisters name. what a bunch of ho's. anyways, she goes on to be punished for her promiscuity and prostitution by being carried of and raped of all she has left.
now while these sisters are symbolic for the kingdoms of Israel and Judah in the time of Ezekiel, it still hits home. its icky.

god i feel gross right now. please cleanse me

i miss you more than you know

^"1Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God." - 2 Corinthians 7

what are 'these promises,' you might ask?
well, let's flip back to the preceding passage

"Touch no unclean thing,
and I will receive you."
¹⁸"I will be a Father to you,
and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty."
- 2 Corinthians 6


i'm lonely tonight god. receive me

i want to live to be a father,

yet tonight i could die happy. lord, i have tasted and seen your goodness day in and day out. life is so so so so sooooooooooo freaking good! you have blessed me beyond understanding, i need not ask for anything.

you supply, you suffice!

"44 Not my will, but thine, be done" - Luke 22



keep it coming lord, i trust you

it is likely

that no one will remember my name in 100 years. it is likely that no park, library, or school will be christened with my namesake. it is likely that no textbooks or novels will reference my most interesting ideas or quote my wisest sayings. it is likely none of my music will be played or remembered. it is likely that no documentary or biography will detail my life and achievements. it is likely that i will have no affect on this world as a whole, but only alter or impact a few lives in it.

it is likely that the only meaningful thing i can do with my life, the only original or unique thing i can bring to this world is my love for others. thats the only thing that will live on after my passing, and thats the only i thing i care about

Alle, alle auch sind frei!

or roughly, 'everyone, everyone is free!'


^"6 We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. ⁷ For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin. ⁸ And since we died with Christ, we know we will also live with him." - Romans 6


christianity is meaningless if this isnt true.
thank god it is.

hey lord, thank you for providing me with a savior to take on a punishment that i could never.
hey jesus, thank you for dying on the cross as an offering of retribution for me and for my salvation.
hey holy spirit, thank you for communicating with the holy one on the behalf of my soul while im here on earth.

empty distractions

^"15Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth. ¹⁶Avoid godless chatter, because those who indulge in it will become more and more ungodly." - 2 Timothy 2


today ive been avoiding you. or any intimate time with you or your word. and im sorry about that. i feel like im supposed to have a good grip on "the word of truth," and that i do most times, but my slip ups are coming more often. im holding more empty convo, wasting more time, and coming back to god ashamed more frequently.
i want you in my day-to-day everything, be in my spare time, be in my inside jokes with close friends, be in my workouts and practicing, be in my texting, be in my resting, be in my decisions and my coming and going. be it all, and then some

young, old, work, play, peace. glowstick!

¹¹ You will show me the way of life,
granting me the joy of your presence
and the pleasures of living with you forever. - Psalm 16

this is beauty! oh man, im officially in love with this psalm.

and today, life was darned good. blindly following your voice and trusting just you is working out pretty well.
praise be to the lord of nations!

literally...

the kingdom of the heavens is now advancing
invade my heart, invade this broken town
the kingdom of the heavens is buried treasure
would you sell yourself to buy the one you found?



actions > words

empty words clang like cymbals
prove it.
do something


how far would i honestly go to pursue you god?
i cant get to heaven by saying how much i love you. i can get to heaven by loving you

lord, take my faith and speech and put action to it. tangible, worthwhile action

huh?

wait...


how did this happen?
i promised myself to not let this happen. crap crap crap.
i dont know what to do! am i hypocritical, or just moving on?

this does not feel anything like last time. maybe thats good, maybe thats bad, im not sure.
am i past the point of turning back? i dont want to hurt again and, more importantly, i dont want be hurtful.
i really dont know whether to go gung ho for this or just call it quits to err on the side of caution. one thing is for sure, being passive is not an option. not this time.

godddddd, please grant wisdom. pleasepleasepleasewithacherryontop

this day, this day, this day

" ⁸ “O Israel, stay away from idols!
I am the one who answers your prayers and cares for you.
I am like a tree that is always green;
all your fruit comes from me.”

⁹ Let those who are wise understand these things.
Let those with discernment listen carefully.
The paths of the Lord are true and right,
and righteous people live by walking in them.
But in those paths sinners stumble and fall." - Hosea 14

thought: verse 9 seems to try and separate between righteous people and sinners, but all people are sinners. so all fall and stumble and fall in the paths of god. even the most righteous seeming to live and walk so perfectly will trip and faceplant.

god, on this day grant me with the discernment and strength i need for what this day holds for me. you are my supplier, mister jesus

all my fruit comes from you

so im singing hallelujah

^"143 As pressure and stress bear down on me,
I find joy in your commands." - Psalm 119


our house flooded about two days after we repainted and redecorated and we have to tear out walls and floors, maybe stay at a hotel, and much more fun stuff. my uncle is in rehab and my mom's teaching credential expired randomly and my brother just broke his wrist too. apparently there was an attempted kidnapping down the street. and there are all these things i need to do before i leave for school and its stressful. . .

or at least it should be. for some reason i dont understand. . . i am at peace. i know god is in all this and that he works all things for good- my heart trusts his plan

so im gonna go sing praise to the lord of lords, for he is good.

i need to go to bed earlier

we are here
because of love, because of grace, because of you.

love that song.

"²⁸ They are a nation without sense,
there is no discernment in them.

²⁹ If only they were wise and would understand this
and discern what their end will be!" - Deuteronomy 32

lord, dont let this describe me. guide me in my choices. help me to hear your voice. your wisdom is infinite and mine is quite finite.

gimme summa dat knowledge, mang.

dance, dance...revolution

“Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.” - James 1

so simple. do it.

i dont like when we sit around analyzing the bible and talking and feeling all enlightened and close to god, and then live a completely normal life. we have the amazing privilege of knowing who god is and we take it for granted so often. we all talk the talk very well, but when do we ever really walk it out?
sometimes i wonder what a nonbeliever would do if suddenly they were in my shoes, if they knew god and had such a great community of believers and such awesome opportunities to pursue the growth of their faith (which i really do have but often dont appreciate or take advantage of). i wonder what their life would look like and what they would be doing, wonder how much light and love they would be sharing. then i look at my life and what im doing, and what other believers are doing. and our lives often seem just as average and earth-bound and lost as those who dont know christ.

im sick of claiming to be a part of a radical belief yet living normally.

wekness > strength

^"11 I tell you the truth: Among those born of women there has not risen anyone greater than John the Baptist; yet he who is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he." - Matthew 11

poor john. after all his work he never got to experience the kingdom of christ on earth! but then again he is with jesus in heaven now so its all good.

ive had pride issues lord, help remind me that the last are first, the weakest are the strongest, and the smallest are the greatest. help me remain humble.
for i am insufficient, and your power works best in my weakness

nameless

" ¹³ Moses said to God, "Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, 'The God of your fathers has sent me to you,' and they ask me, 'What is his name?' Then what shall I tell them?"

¹⁴ God said to Moses, "I am who I am . This is what you are to say to the Israelites: 'I AM has sent me to you.' "

¹⁵ God also said to Moses, "Say to the Israelites, 'The LORD, the God of your fathers—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob—has sent me to you.' This is my name forever, the name by which I am to be remembered from generation to generation." - Exodus 3

god, by nature, cannot be bound to anything we can understand as humans. no adjectives, no labels, no names. even the name "God" is just a metonymy for the actual being. yet he gives us this metonymy to reference all that he is: I AM. I AM WHO I AM.

god, you are so huge. you are above anything we try to put to you. you only are what you are. we cant ever understand you, yet you give us glimpses of what you are. we cant even understand your name, yet you give us a name for you which we can grasp.

inner beauty

" ¹⁵ But the LORD said to him, "Not so; if anyone kills Cain, he will suffer vengeance seven times over." Then the LORD put a mark on Cain so that no one who found him would kill him. ¹⁶ So Cain went out from the LORD's presence and lived in the land of Nod, east of Eden. ¹⁷ Cain lay with his wife, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Enoch. Cain was then building a city, and he named it after his son Enoch." - Genesis 4

my understanding has always been that adam and eve were the only humans created and living in gods presence. then after their exile, they wandered together and had children. but they were still the only humans. so when cain was banished and wandered away, how did he go to this "land of Nod?" who else was out there? were there tons of cities like these, and tons of other people? an idea that came up tonight in convo was that adam and eve throughout the bible are symbolic for a group of people or the early mankind, not specifically two individuals. this is an interesting take, something i hadnt thought about before.

i love the symbolism in the bible. the way it is so open to interpretation. the layers of metaphors. crazy onion layers.
the bible is beautiful as a literal work, yet part of faith is taking the text as your own, what it means to you, what god is saying to you.

i pray i learn to see between the lines more often in our relationship, lord. show me what you want me to see.
everything doesnt have to be straightford, or black and white. you made many shades of grey.

beauty in the breakdown

" ² Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. ⁴ Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1

welcoming hardship. rejoicing in struggle. delighting in weakness, insufficiency, and failure. such odd concepts. help me trust their ability to grow my strength and fait, and help me trust that you will carry me when i cant take any more. your power works best in my weakness.

for when i am weak, then i am strong.


noted: perseverance also helps during starfox 64 hard mode

fugitive

“[God Disciplines His Sons] Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” - Hebrews 12:1


tonight we ran. so we left behind all luxuries, burdens, distractions. it was messy, and we had some close calls. temptation to cheat, to hide and rest, to give up was thick in the air we breathed as we ran. but we followed the plotted course with perseverance.
and we finished the race

thoughtless deviation

' ¹⁹ After I strayed,
I repented;
after I came to understand,
I beat my breast.
I was ashamed and humiliated
because I bore the disgrace of my youth.' - Jeremiah 31


what the eff, josh? you are disgusting. you carry your disgrace with offhanded pride like some sort of trophy. you wear your insolence like a new shirt, your reckless arrogance like a freshly inked tattoo. stop. turn and look at the fruits of your self-seeking efforts: destruction and waste. repent.

repent, for the kingdom of heaven is near.


nearer than you think

haste the day

"I will hasten and not delay to obey your commands." - Psalm 119:60


often god speaks and i think 'yeah ill do it later' or 'i know i should but not right now.' i hate the excuses i make. i hate the hindrances i put on myself. why not now? why not here, as i am, with what i have?

restore my sense of urgency god, im getting too lazy and too comfortable.

a beautiful collision

"Jesus wept." - John 11:35

epic smash-up: spiritual +physical

contact, impact between god and i- this is what the kingdom of God on Earth is.
a mangled, glorious wreck of humanity and divinity. no end to where you begin and where i end.

here it comes

Substance

^"27Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." - John 14


the world's not such a bad place. it gives what it can. it is physical so it gives physically to my physical being. food, possessions, relationships, hobbies, knowledge, skills- i need them all physically, for the time being. yet they really don't matter in the long run because my physical being will pass. Jesus gives to my spirit. he has sent the holy spirit to take care of my spiritual being, the lasting part of me. he says he leaves peace with me, which makes peace of the spiritual essence, not physical. so peace isn't something my physical body can feel, like hunger or thirst, its something my spirit feels. love, joy, patience, grace, understanding- these all fall in the same category. it sounds basic but there's more to it than i can understand.
the earth gives, yet it cannot provide substance like my savior can.
this intertwining of spirit and body is an interesting thing.

this sounds so obvious, yet you know my heart and mind. let me look to you for satisfaction, not to the empty things here

love is a force that i cannot fight

" ⁹Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in the darkness. ¹⁰Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble." - 1 John 2


'nuff said, brah.

open my eyes to your love for me, let it take over me and overflow into others

an existential crisis?

^{lately i've been wasting my minutes, hours, days, just being counter-productive. im stuck in the funk of those inquisitive "what's the meaning of life?" moods so i thought i would turn to ecclesiastes.}


Ecclesiastes 1
^"13 I devoted myself to study and to explore by wisdom all that is done under heaven. What a heavy burden God has laid on men!"


Ecclesiastes 2
^"11 Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
nothing was gained under the sun....

¹⁵ Then I thought in my heart,
"The fate of the fool will overtake me also.
What then do I gain by being wise?"
I said in my heart,
"This too is meaningless...."

¹⁷ So I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me. All of it is meaningless, a chasing after the wind....

²⁴ A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, ²⁵ for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment?"


Ecclesiastes 3
^"19 Man's fate is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath; man has no advantage over the animal. Everything is meaningless."


Ecclesiastes 5
^"7 Much dreaming and many words are meaningless. Therefore stand in awe of God."


Ecclesiastes 6
^"10 Whatever exists has already been named,
and what man is has been known;
no man can contend
with one who is stronger than he.

¹¹ The more the words,
the less the meaning,
and how does that profit anyone?

¹² For who knows what is good for a man in life, during the few and meaningless days he passes through like a shadow? Who can tell him what will happen under the sun after he is gone?"

the human race is just one of the hundreds of millions of species that inhabit this planet. like all living things we are bound to the earth, we require its water, oxygen, food. we are born, we live, we die, and the earth spins on. what is the impact of my life upon this planet while i exist? im so small, so ordinary. what can i do that hasnt already been done? who will remember me after i pass? if the "best thing for man to do" is just enjoy his life here and realize that is from the hand of god, then what really matters at all? ive always thought material possessions and accomplishments to be meaningless, but i never looked at knowledge or wisdom as equally meaningless. im considering foregoing college to go do something with my life, be a missionary or make music or something to help those who cant help themselves. cause who knows how long ill be here, why not make an impact today? and if wisdom, money, status, possession, accolades are all meaningless, why not just start living today entirely to give love away? i know i have the desire and the potential to do it, but i dont know what gods plan for me is.

many words are meaningless. so i will stand speechless in awe of you, trusting you to sustain me and give me worth. reveal to me your purpose

in need of a teethbrushing

^"6 If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. ⁷ But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin." - 1 John 1

ive been walking in some darkness and its only hurting others and myself. i dont know why i waste time with it, its only a hindrance from what i claim to be truth and life. im feeling hypocritical and mucky. my teeth are feeling icky too, so while i go to clean them and protect them from cavities, i pray to my savior to clean my mucky heart and protect it from future sin

please give me direction, lord

i can't

²³"Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. ²⁴As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. ²⁵Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

²⁶"The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' ²⁷The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

²⁸"But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded.

²⁹"His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.'

³⁰"But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. ³¹When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.

³²"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. ³³Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' ³⁴In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

³⁵"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart." - Matthew 18

i wish i could muster up enough kindness to forgive right now and have stuff be normal, but i want to forgive from my heart, and not just with words. and my heart isnt quite ready yet. i want to grant pardon now, i really do. but i will probably wallow in self-pity and bitterness for a bit longer before that happens. after being vulnerable and giving love every way i knew how, i was completely screwed over and although that's no excuse to forgo forgiveness, it makes it pretty tough. and its worse when i know i should forgive asap- the bible says to, god says to, i can feel uneasiness in my heart cause of it, and i really do want to. but sorry, its still a work in progress. and while its not necessary, a sincere apology from the heart, not just with words but with substance, in return would help a lot when i am ready. i need to work on forgiving with or without any apologies though, because this is really between me and god

take it easy beezy

" ^26-28 Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." - Romans 8

oh, the message, how i adore thee.
so this part of romans is about recognizing you are insufficient and that god doesnt hold your weakness against you, but rather helps you through it. its scary to think that someone knows me better than i do. knows all my desires and secrets and insecurities and fears and grudges, all the wonderful crap that makes up me. even stuff that i dont know is in me. but its comforting too, because the person who knows me best is also in complete control of my life and he's a pretty good guy, so thats a plus!
whenever i get impatient or pissed off at god, whenever i ignore him, and whenever i give up faith in him is when he comes closest to me and works the most inside of me, helping me in my weakness. its weird that i can be so terrible to someone and yet they react with more love. im glad i dont understand you, god

where is my heart?

⁷ I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me. - Psalm 16


god is never weary, never tired. so when he comes into my heart of hearts, he becomes this ever-present counselor. he is the guard on the watchtower that never sleeps, even though i sleep. and he continues to talk and work inside of me while i rest, whether that rest be physical, mental, or spiritual



¹⁰ I seek you with all my heart;
do not let me stray from your commands.

¹¹ I have hidden your word in my heart
that I might not sin against you.

¹² Praise be to you, O LORD;
teach me your decrees. - Psalm 119

where is my heart? what does it really desire? what does it rejoice in? am i guarding it and seeking what is best for it with my actions? are gods words not only at the tip of my tongue and in the back of my mind, but in my heart?
i feel like i need jesus to be my doctor and do a checkup on my heart

i am but one small instrument

http://www.tangle.com/view_video.php?viewkey=a2b61a7c709871cfc883

magical

continuing the shepherd motif...

¹"I tell you the truth, the man who does not enter the sheep pen by the gate, but climbs in by some other way, is a thief and a robber. ²The man who enters by the gate is the shepherd of his sheep. ³The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. ⁴When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. ⁵But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice." ⁶Jesus used this figure of speech, but they did not understand what he was telling them.

...

¹¹"I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep." - John 10


anddddd

^"9 Save your people and bless your inheritance;
be their shepherd and carry them forever." - Psalm 28


on their own, all sheep are equally lost in the pastures. even if there is a shepherd to guide, the only sheep that make it home are those that actively follow the shepherd. it is not enough to merely intend to follow him, or to speak about following without any action to back up those words. sometimes i think the church is like a group of sheep huddled up, talking and talking and talking about how to follow the shepherd, when if they would just turn around they would see he is right there with them already, beckoning to them to follow. to just come and follow.
anyways, when jesus speaks he mentions that a watchman opens the gate for the shepherd to come in, and then the shepherd calls to his sheep. im imaging that the church should be the watchmen, looking for opportunities to open the gate and make it easier for the shepherd to enter into the lives of the lost sheep.

god, let me be both a meek sheep following you in humble silence and gratefulness, and a watchman constantly seeking to open doors for you into the lives of others

Psalm 23:1

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.


The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.


The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.


The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.


The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.





The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

All to Christ I Owe

man i wish i had played more hymns while on worship at day7. maybe i can sneak them in through daniel or something. hmm. anywho, hymns freaking rock, heres a latest fave of mine.

I hear the Savior say,
“Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all.”

Refrain:
Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.

For nothing good have I
Whereby Thy grace to claim;
I’ll wash my garments white
In the blood of Calv’ry’s Lamb.

Refrain

And now complete in Him,
My robe, His righteousness,
Close sheltered ’neath His side,
I am divinely blest.

Refrain

Lord, now indeed I find
Thy pow’r, and Thine alone,
Can change the leper’s spots
And melt the heart of stone.

Refrain

When from my dying bed
My ransomed soul shall rise,
“Jesus died my soul to save,”
Shall rend the vaulted skies.

Refrain

And when before the throne
I stand in Him complete,
I’ll lay my trophies down,
All down at Jesus’ feet.

Refrain


wow. beauty.

o praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead

convicted criminal with a heart of gold

" ³⁸There was a written notice above him, which read: THIS IS THE KING OF THE JEWS.

³⁹One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: "Aren't you the Christ? Save yourself and us!"

⁴⁰But the other criminal rebuked him. "Don't you fear God," he said, "since you are under the same sentence? ⁴¹We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong."

⁴²Then he said, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom."

⁴³Jesus answered him, "I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise." - Luke 23

this story is so awesome. i wish i had the faith of that criminal, he's a bamf. what a lucky guy to have had that chance to talk to jesus, and to now be in heaven with him. they shared what would surely be the last conversation for all three of them that were crucified. i wonder if ill meet that guy in heaven some day. i wonder if jesus has rewarded him for his faith. i wonder what it was like to hear from jesus' mouth that he would be surely see him in heaven.

jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.
or rather, when you come with your kingly power

and today was a day just like any other

^"12 Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. ¹³ But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called "today," that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. ¹⁴ For we have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end." - Hebrews 3

god im so happy to be alive today. life is such a crazy concept and a blessing we overlook. i dont want to waste a single day i am given, because who the heck knows how many i have? today could be the last. or tomorrow. i want to live my life in a way that i would be completely okay leaving this world on any given day if it was my last day to live. verse 13 instructs to encourage believers and spread gods love alllll day, errrry day. and thats a challenge. followed immeadiately by another challenge: to firmly hold confidence in god from start to end. and i dont want to fall away from the living god, i want to share in christ, so ill start working on these challenges

thank you again for another beautiful day god. dont let me become numb to the blessing of life, every day is special