empty

¹⁹ "The first offspring of every womb belongs to me, including all the firstborn males of your livestock, whether from herd or flock. ²⁰ Redeem the firstborn donkey with a lamb, but if you do not redeem it, break its neck. Redeem all your firstborn sons.
"No one is to appear before me empty-handed." - Exodus 34

thus the lord spoke to moses. i am frightened by this god, this demanding, powerful god. i'm so used to the loving, kind, redeeming god of the new testament. the last line strikes me the hardest. so many times i have appeared empty-handed before my lord, broken and asking for help. how grateful am i for the sacrifice jesus made upon the cross!


6 "For the fool speaks folly, his mind is busy with evil: He practices ungodliness and spreads error concerning the LORD; the hungry he leaves empty and from the thirsty he withholds water." - Isaiah 32

sadly enough, i resemble the fool as of late. so many opportunities around me to do god's work, but those things are never on my mind. i find i really know so little about following the god i believe in that i'm a bad example to others. i'm being more of a hindrance than a help to some people, i think it's time for a change of heart.

god, get this evil off my mind. busy my soul with your work, with the things you care about. my life is so trivial but i get caught up in it endlessly and give little to no thought to you. i suck. help me out here.

thirty-four

" ³⁴ Be careful, or your hearts will be weighed down with dissipation, drunkenness and the anxieties of life, and [the day of judgment] will close on you unexpectedly like a trap." - Luke 21

^"34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6

^"34 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." - Luke 12


perhaps a bit of a stretch, but neat in my eyes nonetheless. my life is consumed by worry. school stress, relational stress, what-am-i-doing-with-my-life stress, and everything in between. help me let go, because i feel like i can't. help me once again find my treasure in your kingdom because earth is a empty and temporal place for my heart. thank you for oranges and chai tea and sun chips. please restore my body mind and soul so i can do what i need to do, all the while remembering what's most important

ill

"We are accounted righteous before God, only for the merit of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, by faith, and not for our own works or deservings...Holy Scripture containeth all things necessary to our salvation." - The Thirty-Nine Articles of Religion, 1563.

a bit from the readings in my religious studies class. currently in the english reformation and catholic counter-reformation. i like the class despite the countless hours of sleep i've lost over it.

i have not written here as much as i would have liked this quarter. it's been busy though. i've finished reading Out of the Silent Planet, Beowulf, Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, and i'm starting on Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire. all of them are excellent. i also read a really interesting short story called The Last Question by Isaac Asimov but i'm still not too sure how i feel about it. oh, and then there's the reading for school, too. a LOT of it. but whatev. had to quit rugby cause of my back and schedule conflicts, but hopefully i can get back out there in a year or too. oh and more recently, i am sick. really, truly sick. i have no idea what it is. started about two weeks ago, just an ear/nose/throat thing which i've had literally hundreds of in my life so nothing drastic. it got better that week, then that weekend i randomly wake up with my eyes stuck shut with icky crusty stuff (yuck) and completely bloodshot. weird! that got better through the week, so did my throat. then this thursday rolls around, i got to bed feeling fine, but my roommate (who by the way is great guy, and whom i am very grateful for) tells me through the night i woke up groaning and shaking and sweating. huh? that morning my eyes are messed up again, crusted and red, and my throat is hurting worse than ever in my life. seriously so bad that i could only swallow a bit of water and medicine all of friday. AWESOME. feeling a little better today, but now my body is super achey and my throat is still excruciatingly painful. wish i could go to student health but it's closed til monday. advil, day/nyquil, chloraseptic, prayer and more advil will have to hold me over til then. sucks. but enough of that.
anyways...feeling pretty distant from god lately. praying to hear his voice, feel his touch, anything really at this point. i'm kinda desperate. i'm looking and listening and waiting but coming up with nothing over and over and over. so, here i am god, again asking for more of you. i'll continue looking to your word and praying, but honestly, please feel free to interrupt me at any point. seriously, anything would be great, like your voice, an earthquake, a lightening bolt through my room, you know? something. anything.
blah.

never again.

bus stop at night + tank and shorts + ocean breeze + late bus = COLD.

i love ricky. i love david. i love ryan, albert, jack, brendan, chad, jeff, raf, bert, connor, mike, andy, tom, jit, daniel, cyrus, anthony and iven. i really do. they are good guys and i thank you for that.

i can't not live in the moment right now. call it hitting rock bottom, call it an epiphany, call it a change of heart, but whatever it is, it's driving me.



If I sing at the top of my lungs
It won't say a thing if I haven't loved
The things I realize here
The plans that I make they fail miserably
I feel alone and I feel empty
But I feel alive with something to say
If I sing at the top of my lungs
It won't say a thing
Something to Say - Watashi Wa

call and response

my current state:

" ⁵ Then, at the evening sacrifice, I rose from my self-abasement, with my tunic and cloak torn, and fell on my knees with my hands spread out to the LORD my God ⁶ and prayed:
"O my God, I am too ashamed and disgraced to lift up my face to you, my God, because our sins are higher than our heads and our guilt has reached to the heavens." - Ezra 9


<sup>god's consistent answer:

"11</sup>Both the one who makes men holy and those who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers." - Hebrews 2

you, jesus, my brother? i feel like mom and dad would like you better if we were siblings. but that's not what you tell me. we are akin, equally beloved. help me cast off this baggage, brother.

an anchor for the soul

^"8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.
⁹ Do not be carried away by all kinds of strange teachings. It is good for our hearts to be strengthened by grace" - Hebrews 13

the lord is an unchanging constant. like the number 3 in front of the variable x. ha. math humor. he has always been what he is now, and never will he deviate from what he is at this moment. he was, is, and evermore will be love. few things are for certain in this mortal coil, and all of them are of christ: that he loves us, that he is a strong provider, that he will never change. i am discovering this to be more true every day, which is nice when everything and everyone else, including myself, continue to morph drastically.

firm and secure, we have this hope, this anchor for the soul.

wet

^"9 You gave abundant showers, O God;
you refreshed your weary inheritance.

¹⁰ Your people settled in it,
and from your bounty, O God, you provided for the poor." - Psalm 68

he has done just this today.

thank you lord, for remembering your covenant of provision. you are called faithful, redeemer, almighty, friend. i love you