23"Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. 25Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
26"The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' 27The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
28"But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded.
29"His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.'
30"But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.
32"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' 34In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
35"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart." - Matthew 18
i wish i could muster up enough kindness to forgive right now and have stuff be normal, but i want to forgive from my heart, and not just with words. and my heart isnt quite ready yet. i want to grant pardon now, i really do. but i will probably wallow in self-pity and bitterness for a bit longer before that happens. after being vulnerable and giving love every way i knew how, i was completely screwed over and although that's no excuse to forgo forgiveness, it makes it pretty tough. and its worse when i know i should forgive asap- the bible says to, god says to, i can feel uneasiness in my heart cause of it, and i really do want to. but sorry, its still a work in progress. and while its not necessary, a sincere apology from the heart, not just with words but with substance, in return would help a lot when i am ready. i need to work on forgiving with or without any apologies though, because this is really between me and god
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