a healthy doubt

^"38 He said to them, "Why are you troubled, and why do doubts rise in your minds?" - Luke 28

the possibility of living here on earth and upon reaching death, finding nothing. that perhaps i lead a life no different than that of an animal, to be born, live, and die. nothing more. to know nothing of life on earth after my passing. the prospect of living a life for a purpose that leads me to the same end as every other being on the planet. it is doubt. and it scares the hell out of me.

the exact opposite of Muses' "Thoughts Of A Dying Atheist," i guess.

it makes me search a million times harder for my creator, for any fingerprint of his on this life to prove that im not crazy, that im not chasing after the wind. it makes me re-examine my spiritual experiences to determine what i truly believe.
it is a healthy doubt, i suppose.

mediocrity

"You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect." - Matthew 5:48

haha. me, perfect? i wish. i despise being mediocre. at anything, really. it is my biggest pet peeve, and yet i find myself stuck in it.

to have such potential and yet let it go to waste.
to be so close, yet so, so far.
to be seen, but not remembered.
liked, but not loved.
good, but not great.
alive, but not awake.
passing through life like some sort of semi-solid, translucent, ghost. almost tangible, yet still a shadow, still just a memory of a memory.

but maybe that's what i'm supposed to be. perhaps that's where god wants me, and if so, i hope i can learn to accept that.
god, i feel very alone tonight. show me my worth, be my companion, and fill this empty heart.

holiday/holy day

God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman

From God our Heavenly Father
A blessed Angel came;
And unto certain Shepherds
Brought tidings of the same:
How that in Bethlehem was born
The Son of God by Name.
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy

"Fear not then," said the Angel,
"Let nothing you affright,
This day is born a Saviour
Of a pure Virgin bright,
To free all those who trust in Him
From Satan's power and might."
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy

The shepherds at those tidings
Rejoiced much in mind,
And left their flocks a-feeding
In tempest, storm and wind:
And went to Bethlehem straightway
The Son of God to find.
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy

...

Now to the Lord sing praises,
All you within this place,
And with true love and brotherhood
Each other now embrace;
This holy tide of Christmas
All other doth deface.
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy

it's christmastime! and beautiful music time.
i love that the shepherds completely abandon their flocks, jeopardizing their professions in hopes of seeing little baby Jesus. just to see him! i wish i had that kind of zeal, that drive to give up everything i have at the moment to see a glimpse of christ in my life.

dear 8 pound, 6 ounce, newborn infant jesus...lying there in your little manager...watching your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learning 'bout shapes and colors...
i keep having these moments where i feel like i should or could do something awesome and i just sit there pondering how cool it would be and everything but.....then i do nothing. put my heart in motion.
thank you for your sacrifice for all God's children. thank you for family, both spiritual and physical. and thank you for humor.

how then shall i live?

^"12So it is with you. Since you are eager to have spiritual gifts, try to excel in gifts that build up the church." - 1 Corinthians 14

^"29for God's gifts and his call are irrevocable." - Romans 11


i love having a good conversation with a good friend.
thank you for chad.
thank you for all you have given.

to be honest i am still sketch on the idea of total unity in heaven. the complete loss of identity, distinction, and relationship scare me, i can't wrap my head around it. because on earth those things are huge. perhaps i don't fully understand the joy in submitting entirely to you. i always think that i know and understand more than i actually know

reveal your will to me, lord. show me how to utilize my blessings, show me the man i am to become. i know you've got this great big plan you're cooking up, and while i am a minuscule part of it i want to do everything i can

broken

⁷ My back is filled with searing pain;
there is no health in my body. - Psalm 38


my body is a mess...it's always something.
i hate it. but at the same time i realize it could always be a lot worse.

god, this break hasn't been anything i expected thus far. its not relaxing at all, in fact i'm more stressed than when i was back in barbara. i need some serious help right now big guy. sorry to have been so distracted from you these past weeks.

home, home.

back in almaden.
everything is the same here.
not a lot to do.
that's okay.
spending time with family.
thinking about who i'm becoming.
things i've done, said.
i can move to new places,
i can make new friends,
i can call these new things home,
but i can not change my past.
take me as i am, god.
i don't like who i've been.
help me become more.

i still miss you every day

and that probably isn't going to change.

The Beginning

^"1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

² Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

³ And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. ⁴ God saw that the light was good, and He separated the light from the darkness." - Genesis 1

everyone knows this passage, christian or no, but it deserves to be known. it's the most epic thing ever! and fun fact: "let there be light" is our school motto. anyways, the verses obviously show god's unlimited power. if he wants some light in the freakin universe, he gets it. so why do i have trouble trusting his power to bring light to a puny thing such as my life, my existence and experience on this puny planet? i think it's awesome that god not only created light, but saw that it was good, and separate from darkness. however, it doesn't then follow that darkness is bad, rather that it is just the emptiness of good. it is empty, void of anything. i don't know where i'm going with this anymore to be honest, just speculating.

time for more sleep, and more finals.

if i am to be a light to the world, i need help opening my closed eyes to the light you give to me.

don't-shave december

i am back home in sb, and working on loving people here.
god, flood my mind. surge into me and flow through me. let me bless the way you have blessed me